Congratulations! You're pregnant. In the interest of preparing you for future nights with a young child, I propose the following training course, with an optional adaptation** for those who are planning to co-sleep.
Step 1: Give your phone to your archenemy, ask them to set no fewer than 3 alarms to go off between the hours of 11pm and 5am. Follow your normal nighttime routine, except do it in a third of your normal time and brush your teeth with face cream. Then lie down to sleep.
Step 2: When the first alarm goes off, choose one of the following activities at random:
Step 3: Get back in bed. Immediately stand back up and get a glass of water. (It's not for you, though, so don't drink it. Leave it somewhere you're likely to trip over it later.)
Step 4: When the next alarm goes off, choose two of the following activities:
1. Tie your shoes with one hand.
2. Type the words "baby fighting sleep" into a search engine. Read at least the first 12 results, including at least 6 posts from complete strangers with differing opinions.
3.Strip and re-make your bed.
Step 5: Get back in bed.
Repeat Steps 2-5 for additional alarms.
Step 6: When the final alarm sounds, try to remember the words to ANY lullaby. Sing it at least 95 times. Watch a baby panda video online and let your heart swell with love for such an adorable, defenseless creature. Then dump a Jello pudding cup down the front of your shirt.
Step 7: Clean it up (or don't) and get back in bed until at least 1.5 hours before you need to get up for work. You'll need that long to get yourself and your little ones ready for the day.
**Co-sleeping adaptation: Remove any pillows from your bed. Push your sheets and comforter to cover your feet only. Any time you lie down, have your roommate strike you repeatedly in the face, chest or lower back with a frozen chicken leg.
Step 1: Give your phone to your archenemy, ask them to set no fewer than 3 alarms to go off between the hours of 11pm and 5am. Follow your normal nighttime routine, except do it in a third of your normal time and brush your teeth with face cream. Then lie down to sleep.
Step 2: When the first alarm goes off, choose one of the following activities at random:
1. Play Operation in the dark.
2. Do your favorite exercise video carrying a 10-pound sack of potatoes. (If you tire and stop, you must do the next five minutes at double-time.)
3. Blow an air horn in your face three times.
Step 3: Get back in bed. Immediately stand back up and get a glass of water. (It's not for you, though, so don't drink it. Leave it somewhere you're likely to trip over it later.)
Step 4: When the next alarm goes off, choose two of the following activities:
1. Tie your shoes with one hand.
2. Type the words "baby fighting sleep" into a search engine. Read at least the first 12 results, including at least 6 posts from complete strangers with differing opinions.
3.Strip and re-make your bed.
Step 5: Get back in bed.
Repeat Steps 2-5 for additional alarms.
Step 6: When the final alarm sounds, try to remember the words to ANY lullaby. Sing it at least 95 times. Watch a baby panda video online and let your heart swell with love for such an adorable, defenseless creature. Then dump a Jello pudding cup down the front of your shirt.
Step 7: Clean it up (or don't) and get back in bed until at least 1.5 hours before you need to get up for work. You'll need that long to get yourself and your little ones ready for the day.
**Co-sleeping adaptation: Remove any pillows from your bed. Push your sheets and comforter to cover your feet only. Any time you lie down, have your roommate strike you repeatedly in the face, chest or lower back with a frozen chicken leg.
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